Being successful in both personal and professional contexts necessitates strong interpersonal skills. The term “interpersonal skills” itself is quite broad. It encompasses a wide array of personal attributes and talents that help one relate and connect meaningfully with others. Among the most important attributes, one is empathy—the ability to understand, share, and, to some extent, “feel” another person’s emotions. Emotional intelligence (EQ), which involves four main components—empathy, self-awareness, social skill, and the regulation of one’s own emotions—also plays a role in building and securing the kinds of relationships that count in getting things done in the workplace. Conflict resolution is part of the picture that helps us understand relationships as well. And finally, networking is a term that doesn’t have much currency these days in our personal lives but not so in our work context.
Empathy is the ability to understand, share, and even feel the perspectives or experiences of another person. Unfortunately, it’s a quality that’s often very scarce in our world. We’re all born with the natural capacity to be empathetic, but as we grow up and learn how to think on our own, we lose those childlike qualities and become more closed off from one another. That’s part of growing up, but it doesn’t mean that the walls we build around ourselves can’t also be torn down. If we’re willing to put in the work, empathy can be practiced and developed.
To be empathic is to comprehend and partake of the emotions of others. It demands placing oneself in another’s place, seeing life from that person’s vantage point, and appreciating that individual’s unique experience of living. Fostering empathy enables the development of compassionate and sensitive people. Building relationships on these qualities also builds trust between people.
Developing empathy takes some work, but it’s a skill you can build. The investment, however, is so worth it. You become a better partner, a better parent, a better friend, a better employee, and a better you. To get a grip on the lived experiences of people who aren’t you, try to find a way into their stories. Ask questions, but better yet, listen carefully to what they have to say and notice how they say it. Then do as much as you can to communicate to them that you really get it. These actions and this attitude will take you wide and far when it comes to connecting with people.
Keeping Your Emotions in Check
The capability to recognize, understand, and effectively use emotions in oneself and others is known as emotional intelligence (EI). People who have high EI also have the ability to regulate (control) their emotions when it would be productive to do so. EI is just as important as conventional intelligence, if not more so, in leading most aspects of a successful life. Research studies conducted during the past three decades consistently support what many educators, parents, and employers already know: we cannot afford to ignore the feelings and emotions that everyone brings to school, the workplace, or virtually any other public or private context.
To build emotional intelligence, boost self-awareness. Reflect on the emotions you experience and the behaviors they bring. That’s not to say you should beat yourself up over your negative emotions—they’re a normal part of life and often arise for important reasons. But you should try to understand your emotional makeup, because it can serve as a sort of “weather map” for predicting what you might do next. For example, when I’m under stress, I often hit a threshold where I become almost manic, working at a furious pace and exhorting others to join me. For some people, that’s not a bad state of being. But for me, it’s a million miles from the sort of Leadership I admire.
Handling it well when personalities clash or diverse opinions emerge is one of the most sought-after skills on today’s teams. But it’s also one of the most elusive. A recent survey found that among 250 internationally diverse managing professionals, nearly every one has been involved in a workplace skirmish in the past year. It’s part of the human condition. Yet few of us have been outfitted by our internal wiring, or nurtured in business, or taught by society to understand the essential dynamics of how to create harmony when dealing with disagreement.
Conflict resolution is the method to effectively handle and solve disagreements. It requires us to listen to what others have to say, to understand and acknowledge their perspective. Conflict resolution also requires seeking common ground and compromises that lead to a solution that all parties involved can genuinely embrace.
To truly thrive in the realm of conflict resolution, it is necessary to adopt the skill set of a collaborative problem-solver. The key to this method is the basic act of genuine listening. When individuals involved in the conflict take the initiative to truly hear and empathize with one another, the naked truth of the matter often presents itself. Communication is essential for any relationship to succeed, and this is doubly true for a resolution that involves multiple parties. Once all individuals involved in the conflict have had their say, work with them to arrive at an agreement that satisfies them all—that doesn’t mean everyone gets their way, but everyone gets what they wanted out of the deal.
Developing relationships is the most important thing you can do to succeed in your professional life. Most jobs are not even posted online, so your only possible route to connect with that job is through someone you know, who knows you, or whom you can get to know. People naturally tend to help those they know or those who have been referred to them by someone they trust. Most professionals understand this concept well enough to be able to explain it.
Because of this, the most valuable use of your time is to meet new people. Since you are not a naturally gifted extrovert, you need to find a few simple strategies that you can use to meet new people in a way that feels comfortable to you and expands your professional network.
The process of forming relationships with others for our mutual benefit is what we call networking. Establishing and nurturing these connections is what allows a shared and supportive community to arise among ambitious professionals. Whether business is conducted over coffee, lunch, or dinner, or something unexpectedly fun arises from the effort, networking, when done right, ensures that we are never alone in our professional lives, not even when it feels that way.
Becoming a skillful networker requires you to approach interactions with authenticity and sincerity. Don’t think of networking as a process of simply collecting contacts so you can say, “Look at my big, fat Rolodex.” Think of it as a way to build relationships that count with people who really do decide who gets what in this world. Because if 80 to 85 percent of all jobs are never publicly advertised, then that world decision-making is occuring in the very relationships they’re paying to build with you right now. At the core of those relationships are genuine connections made with people who can trust they’re your friends for any and all reasons.
The integration of interpersonal skills is pivotal to functioning effectively in this world. Those skills are essential as individuals interact with other individuals and groups in both personal and professional contexts. That’s nothing new, of course. But if we accept that as a basic truth, what, then, does “the integration of interpersonal skills” mean? The fourteen facets introduced in Chapter 5 give some sense of the scope, but full understanding requires a more focused examination of individual facets. Integrating presents closely related terminology that can easily be misunderstood or confused and works to spell out some in-depth implications that have surfaced in the research literature.
Consistently practicing the basics of empathy, emotional intelligence, conflict resolution, and networking is the surest way to excel in interpersonal skills. These skills aren’t singular; they have to be woven together into a complex fabric.
Take empathy. It’s not just being attuned to someone’s emotions; it’s also understanding the nature of the person you’re interacting with. Emotional intelligence, the psychologists tell us, is the ability to regulate not only your own emotions but also the emotions of others. Conflict resolution is often the acid test of these skills. How can you handle conflicts so that your relationships remain intact, or even improve? And how do you weave your way through a network of relationships when you’re seeking growth?
Boost your empathy levels by being actively engaged in conversation and trying to genuinely understand and connect with the other person’s viewpoint. Get in tune with your emotional intelligence by effectively managing your own emotions in high-stress or difficult situations, and try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, understanding and sharing their feelings (or at least trying not to invalidate them). Resolve conflicts by trying to find common ground and not accepting a “my way or the highway” mentality. Mainly, just try to be easy to work with. Again, cultivating good old-fashioned human skills will serve you in nearly all aspects of your life, but particularly in the context of personal and professional relationships.
In summary, successful individuals are those who possess very effective interpersonal skill sets. The common thing uniting all of them is an uncanny ability to connect with people in different contexts. It could be said that successful people have high emotional intelligence; they have the capacity to see things from the audience’s perspective and can frame their interactions in such a way as to lower defenses and achieve the desired outcome. They also don’t have any magical abilities—they are just very good at managing their relationships.
The ability to communicate effectively with and understand others is of utmost importance for forming healthy relationships, resolving conflicts, and creating an environment of growth and collaboration. One key component of effective communication is the cultivation of empathy. When we can truly listen and imagine ourselves in another person’s shoes, we make the other person feel seen and heard, which builds trust and understanding. The next component is emotional intelligence; being aware of and managing our own emotions and understanding and relating to the emotions of those around us. Another part of the “package” is conflict resolution—an in-depth ability to not just avoid or put disputes to bed but to understand and work through the core of the issues to achieve a real and lasting resolution. And finally, “networking” skills come into play; the ability to forge and maintain relationships with the people we come into contact with, both personal and professional.
